Gaslighting: Recognizing, Counteracting, and Setting Up Boundaries

Written by: Sandi MacCalla – Founder, LifeSkills Academy – 3/31/2025

This word has resurfaced from its nearly 90-year origin into daily accusations as esteemed groups wrangle for center stage. The dividing lines are many, the sentiments are rough, and some lay down their lives for it.

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation where an individual or group makes someone question their own reality, understanding, or memory. The term originates from the 1938 play Gas Light and its subsequent film adaptations, in which a husband manipulates his wife into believing she is losing her sanity by dimming the gas lights, moving/removing household objects, and denying any changes when questioned. It’s later discovered he is trying to steal her wealth.

How to Identify it in Action

Gaslighting often occurs in personal relationships, workplaces, and even major societal structures. Common signs include:

• Denial of reality: The gas-lighter insists something didn’t happen when it did.
  
  
• Trivializing emotions: Makes others feel like their feelings are exaggerated or unwarranted.
  
  
• Contradictory statements: Says one thing and then denies it later.
  
  
• Shifting blame: Makes others feel responsible for the manipulator’s actions.
  
  
• Isolating their target: Making them doubt trusted friends, family, or colleagues.

Is any of this familiar to you? I recently pieced together these two situations where I sought professional guidance and struggled with what I knew was the right choice versus a professional opinion. This may seem subtle, and gaslighting can happen to any of us by others.

• Over several years of annual exams, my primary doctor’s assessment and response to my pain inquiries was predictable: “Nothing to look at here.” When my annual appointment rolled around, I couldn’t force myself to go. After several more years of no-go, I’m now switching doctors.
  
  
• I rehomed a 2-year-old cat who progressively became litterbox-challenged. The vet identified serious kidney issues, a heart murmur, and degrading dental issues. Along with the pain from declawing, his life was as best as it could be but not improving. I asked about putting him down. She refused. I felt like I was an executioner and sacrificially nursed him for another 10 months of degrading health before releasing him to my other cat-mates in heaven.

How to Counteract Gaslighting

If you suspect you’re being gaslighted, here are some ways to counteract:

• Keep a record/journal: Maintain written or digital notes of conversations to validate your experiences.
  
  
• Trust your instincts: If something feels off, it probably is.
  
  
• Seek external perspectives: Talk to trusted friends, family, or professionals.
  
  
• Stay assertive: Stand firm in your truth and avoid getting drawn into arguments designed to distort reality.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

To prevent and address gaslighting, setting firm boundaries is crucial:

• Limit engagement: Reduce interaction with known manipulators.
  
  
• Use direct communication: Clearly express your thoughts without justifying or over-explaining.
  
  
• Establish consequences: Enforce repercussions when boundaries are crossed.
  
  
• Prioritize self-care: Mental and emotional well-being are key to resisting manipulation.

Helpful Resources

• Books:
  • Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend – A guide to establishing personal limits
    
    
  • The Gaslight Effect by Dr. Robin Stern – Understanding and breaking free from gaslighting dynamics
    
    
• Podcasts:
  • The Gaslight Effect Podcast by Dr. Robin Stern
    
    
  • Therapy Chat – Discussions on mental health, boundaries, and relationships
    
    
• Support:
  • Gaslighting Recovery Reddit Community – A private space for shared experiences and advice

‘You don’t have to attend every argument to which you are invited’ @ Leandro Herrero

Identifying gaslighting is the first step to reclaiming your sense of reality and personal integrity. By setting boundaries and seeking support, you can protect yourself and maintain control over your own journey.

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